"For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." - 1 John 3:20
I think herein is my heart: I want my daughter to love me. I "need" her validation... That I am lovable. That I am of value. That I am needed. Wanted. Wonderful.
What pressure to put on a child! Especially a youngster of 19 months (who already thinks I'm wonderful). Why do we do this to our children? Because we think, "If ANYone in this world is going to love me for who I truly am, it's going to be someone coming into the world socially a blank slate, and doesn't know better. I don't have to tell my kid anything about me I don't want to. I can be brand-new with them."
But it doesn't work like that. Our HEARTS condemn us. I can't escape my heart. I can't escape me. (I can't escape the One who created me, either! And HE'S the One who LOVES me!!) I've been learning this lately... Just lately... When I should've been believing it all along... You see, for 19 lonnnnnng months I've been dealing with Postpartum Depression. PPD isn't just "depression", it's intense guilt, fear, anxiety, all the time. Everything I fail at is intensified by 1,000 and feels beyond despairing.
Even my family hasn't known until ...well, this blog posting... And this blog has been one of the many wonderful outlets for me. Except for my "30 series" I really write more about my food, and friends and family surrounding food, than I do about me. And, I don't plan on writing much more about me either. But today I read this verse from 1 John 3:20 and felt inspired to share it with whomever may read PepperOnce...
My heart condemns me. I know my sin. I see myself sin. I see myself hurt others. I see myself failing to live up to my own standards. And worse, God's. But the most wonderful and beautiful thing is, Jesus paid for my sin so that even when I fail I am forgiven... God is greater than my heart. He knows all things. He sees me in Christ. He sees me as His own child. And will never let me go. God is greater than my heart.
He is greater! It's in His love that I am free from fear, guilt, and anxiety. It's only in Christ that my failure (which seems SO large and looming to me) is actually more like a pebble in the path than a bolder crashing down. I've been trying to run from Him, trying to control the outcome of my daughter's future, the future of our relationship, etc. It's not possible! God is greater!
"For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." - 1 John 3:20
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